Perhaps it is a bit vain, but I have oftentimes wondered how others would describe me. Perhaps vain, perhaps it is that I am well acquainted enough with myself and I am aware of the enigmatic dichotomies that make up my being.
Despite my journey to know thyself over the past few years, I hold no illusions that I truly do. The depths of our inner selves are limitless and ever expanding. I don’t think we can ever really, truly, fully know ourselves. Our bodies, minds and souls are like an infinitely expanding universe within the confines of our corporeal selves. In that light, perhaps we cannot ever describe ourselves effectively.
Yet, it is a curiosity of mine, and curiosity is quite enchanting to me. I have had the grim pleasure of delivering four eulogies in my life, maybe that is where the wonderwall stems from. What would someone say about me at the end of my life? There are definitely some people that I would not want to say a single thing – others, it would be interesting to hear their words.
In lieu of having a Socratic seminar around the topic of legacy, perception, and vanity, or a pre-death funeral like that book we all read in high school (Tuesdays with Morrie? Maybe?), I’ll, instead, try to articulate below some things I hope others would notice about me and share in describing me to another.
I am unsure if a more prolific example of yin and yang has ever existed within a person as it does within myself. I am positively a study in opposites. Interestingly enough, this also extends to my perceptions of right and wrong, decision making, and even job performance. For me it’s black and it’s white operating very little, if at all, in the shades of gray that people so often speak of. Perhaps when the Good Lord made me He made me to only see the stark contrasts of life – black and white, red and tan, purple and pink. Sharp, distinguished contrasts between the vibrant distinctions of color that permeate our existence.
At times, those colored distinctions are very helpful in ascertaining what I need to do in order to succeed, but they can also be liabilities in uncovering the subtle nuances of interpersonal relationships, or in the expressing of big-colored emotions – as tends to be my way. Whatever emotion I am feeling and exhibiting is all in, no feeling “kinda” for me, it’s all happy, all sad, all joyful, all sleepy, all mad, all goofy.
Yet, interestingly enough, the yin and yang that is myself is also very steady, c0nsistent, and grounded. I am an Earth sign, after all, and I identify heavily with what that represents. So much so that my way of moving through life can be likened to the Earth herself. As a wife, friend, family member and coworker I am very stable, steady, reliable, and loyal – a foundational, guiding force in my interpersonal relationships. Much like Earth is for the ecosystem she feeds. However, like Earth, built up pressures, stresses, and restraint can lead to explosive displays of power and destruction – earthquakes, landslides, tsunamis. Big-color emotions.
One would think that I would be ashamed of that, but I’m not. For one, it takes a lot, and I mean a lot for me to get there. But I am also unashamed that I am powerful. It is only recently that I have been tuning in to that and pulling it over towards the quieter side in order to better utilize it there.
Yin and yang. Powerful and quiet. Strong and silent. Stable and explosive. Bleeding heart that wants to save the world and introverted shyness that wants to burrow into my own four walls and let the world be whatever it will be. Interestingly, I have so many, really good ideas that would be beneficial in helping improve the quality of life surrounding different stressors, but I’m so damn scared to voice them. I know that I’m intelligent (sometimes), but I also feel that a relatively uneducated, almost 33-year old has no right to say a damn thing in regard to changes that need, or can, be made in whatever sector it pertains to. What right do I have?
I will never forget when my darling husband told me “you don’t have to save the world”. No, but it would be nice and a larger part of me wants to than I should admit. People deserve so much more. But, am I really the vehicle to mention these possible changes? Who am I to say anything? Who would listen?
Yin and yang. Consistent and unsettled. Intelligent and insecure. Heroes heart and introvert. Perhaps all of the dichotomy surrounding action and inaction was seeded during my childhood, where both sides of my family were very vocal about the impact that you can have (good or bad) on the family and the family’s reputation based upon your behaviors. A burning desire to be important, fueled by a familial inheritance of need for reputation and recognition, quelled by the cool waters of underachievement.
The galaxies within are swirling masses of contradictories. Black holes and nebulas, stars both living and dying. You know, parts of who we are see birth and death all of the time. It’s so fascinating. I love that I can be so cerebral and logical about things – even silly and fun things like who I am, or why in the heavens Hermione didn’t use the time turner to go back to when Peter Pettigrew was supposedly killed and clear Sirius’ name.
I know I am a maddening, fascinating, enigmatic, duality. At least, that’s how I feel about it. I don’t know how anyone else feels about it.
I love to read, but sometimes get bored with it and it takes months to finish a book. If I enjoy it I’ll finish it in hours. I love to cook, but my kitchen is always a mess because I hate cleaning up (and my husband recently asked that I quit using the dishwasher because it doesn’t get anything clean enough). I love, LOVE riding horses but am unsure if I ever will again. I love taking pictures and finding beauty in the smallest of things, perhaps because of all of the ugliness I have seen in this world. I love cuddling with my dogs but they drive me nuts when they don’t listen. I like to write and have so many ideas for books, but I don’t know if I will ever write one. I don’t know if they are good enough or how to get them out on paper. I would do anything to help someone I care about, but once trust has been broken I rarely give second chances. Which is why I only have a few friends, at best. I have a really hard time with disorganization, especially in my home, but once it gets there I struggle with how to fix it. I want to lose weight but I’m lazy and prefer lounging and relaxing. I love to try new things but always get scared that I won’t do well at it. Clearly, I am a perfectionist and ruthlessly hard on myself while forgiving and supportive of others.
You see, each duality, each yin and yang is a twin galaxy. Orbiting around one another with reckless, chaotic perfection. It is the music of my life. Chaos. Perfection. Yin and yang.