I Just Want You to Know Who I Am

Iris is one of my all time favorite songs, hence the nod to the lyrics in the title.

As I’ve alluded to before, I am nothing if not an enigmatic duality of existence. I yearn so deeply for real connections and for people to know who I am, yet, how can they? When at times I feel that I don’t even know myself, or, in the words of the Goo Goo Dolls, I don’t want the world to see me, cause I don’t think that they’d understand.

Y’all, I am so blessed. Really and truly and I feel so incredibly grateful for everything in my life. When I say my prayers I thank God for the love that fills the four walls of our beautiful home. My husband and I share a love that leaves me speechless most days (I know, right?). We have two incredibly spoiled, big hearted dogs that love to shower us with affection. If only we all met one another with the enthusiasm these pups exude, even when we’re gone just moments. We have good jobs and are prosperous due to the blessings those jobs bring – not just financially, but in relationships, learning, growth, and fulfillment.

I have a lot to be thankful for and I am. Every moment. I pray all day every day and most often it is a prayer of thanksgiving on my lips and in my heart.

Here’s the kicker.

I am happy. I am also not comfortable in my own skin right now, and ya know what? That’s okay. It just isn’t okay to unpack and live here. Each of us can be unendingly grateful, happy and joyful while still feeling a desire to focus on an area of our lives. I would argue that this is the nudging of God (the universe, or whatever you believe in) so He can take you to the next level of blessing.

My struggles started with my weight a couple of years ago, but, honestly, being successful in my career I didn’t feel the weight of the burden – pun intended. Then I lost my job. I’ve been floating in this haze of existence feeling a bit lost since then. Grateful, loving, joyful, even, but lost. Somewhere in between the words of “we’re ending your employment” my sense of self was terminated as well.

I like what I am doing now, it pays the bills and I feel fulfilled by the relationships I have created and the work that I’m doing. I have yet to reconcile how I felt so assured that I was living my purpose only to have it ripped away. However, I do believe the Good Lord was redirecting me for a reason. What it is, I don’t yet know, but I rest in his peace and love knowing there is.

Due to my current role, and part of the reason I took the job, is that I applied for the Nursing program at Ivy Tech. Didn’t get in this time. I’m totally okay with that, once again I feel that God is either redirecting me or asking me to wait. Still, as someone who hasn’t ever really been unsuccessful in an endeavor, it’s hard. Why is everything in this season so embattled? I’ve already entitled myself a survivor and warrior, is there really a reason to prove that any more?

Yet, in my dual nature, I look back and see how when Stephen and I got together we were making together what he makes now. We have a home. We have stability. For goodness’ sake he’s home and no longer has to travel for work. The blessings are countless in that alone.

At my interview for my current job and in interviews prior I had a really difficult time presenting myself. My resume is long. Partially because I’m too honest for my own good and put my whole work history on it, secondly because I have been terminated from my last two jobs. This is another reason I leaned towards nursing school – never again would it matter what my past work history was, only the RN behind my name.

A path presented, redirection, please make a U-turn at your earliest convenience, recalculating… traffic ahead… recalculating…

Sometimes I feel like I have a 1998 version of Garmin guiding my career and it hasn’t had an update since it was bought.

I have been learning a lot in this season, though. Patience. Gratitude. Peace. SO many people are going through so much more. I am simply choosing joy instead of dejection.

Coupling my career catastrophes and my weight – I’m just not really feeling myself. Fortunately, it is all 100% in my control, especially how I feel. Well, enough that I can actually do something about the bits that aren’t feelings. There’s the megalithic, easy task of losing weight and getting healthy… then the simple, Herculean feat of figuring out what the hell I want to do with my life.

That’s just two things. I can totally do that. Until then, I will be grateful, peaceful, joyful and expectant in this season.

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